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Days with Marvin, Thus Far

Marvin and I celebrated our 5th anniversary as a couple by not talking to each other. Well, I, ignoring him. He got me incensed six days earlier for dropping me when I wanted to talk to him. I got hurt so bad I went MIA and never bothered to check up on him for almost a week. That's how it has been with Marvin. At least for the past couple of days.

There are some days that we are infinite, we are happy. And some days that I just want to jump off a cliff and forget ever meeting him. Of course, I am exaggerating but I think you get how I feel. I try to blame it on distance and time zones. By it, I mean our petty fights. He works abroad while I review for my exams here in the Philippines. When he gets off his job, I am already asleep. When I wake up in the morning, I'll have to wait for five hours or so before I receive morning greetings from him. The next message that I will get will be another five hours later when he takes his lunch and the last would be when he gets home. Sometimes he gets to reply to my messages in between but only with short unresponsive texts. Though our routine seems favorable for us — for me in particular — it, nevertheless, leads to my oftentimes unreasonable meltdowns. 

I guess what hurts most is the fact that we can never win against time, we just have to adapt. There are times when I blame myself for everything. I haven't been in my best shape for months, you see, and it feels like my life has stopped moving for the past three years. It makes me furious, frustrated, and helpless. Naturally, our relationship suffers as I let all the negativity get to me. I consciously and unconsciously would take it all on him. It's so easy for me to find faults, to see the bad, and almost effortlessly give up everything. I see myself as a burden and in the process, I drag everything with me which, I am aware, is definitely unfair to him and to us. 

Other times, I think that maybe it's because we have been both complacent in our relationship. Ours is not exactly #relationshipgoals. We aren't a huge fan of grand gestures or loud declarations of love. We enjoy sitting on a couch together, binge-watching Game of Thrones, or dancing awkwardly on the sidewalk. We pass time by having endless conversations about foolish and deep stuff alike over cheap ice cream we bought from a 24-hr convenience store. One can say that we are boring and uninspiring, which surely has a tinge of truth, but for me, we are simply chill — and I like it. We like simple things. We are also always apart from each other so having dull, quiet times together is already an immeasurable bliss for me. But too much of something is unhealthy. Somehow, it seems like we've become too simple, too comfortable, that it feels wrong at times. There was this instance when I demanded him to be as romantic as he was in the first years of our relationship. I wanted to go back to the beginning. I wanted to feel the thrill again. Of course, he found this ridiculous and told me he wouldn't for he wasn't so serious about me or us at that time. He wasn't as in love with me today as he was in 2011. He is surer now. Gets ko naman sya because that's how I feel, too. I know that what we have now is far superior from 5 years ago. Ugh, I don't know.

So how're 1,825+ days with Marvin so far, then? Well, it has not always been a "bright, sun-shiny, day", that much is true. It is an everyday struggle. There are moments that I want out but I know deep in my heart that I will never do. I can never do. In fact, I can no longer imagine the future without him (and this scares me). Fights can be heartbreaking but it is nothing compared to a love that makes your heart flutter and excited for what lies ahead. And that's enough for me.

PS. Not that I am defending him, haha, but he was feverish pala that time when I asked him to call me. He wanted to get some rest and call the following day. So he was sick the entire time that I ignored him and I didn't have clue 🤦

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