Skip to main content

Beginning & End

Time is so damn slow, I'm just growing old, I live like I'm dead. A lyric in the song Sober goes. 

Sober was released sometime in 2015 by the Korean superstars BIGBANG. I was introduced to the KPOP group back in college by a good friend who is a huge fan. Though I hardly understand their language, I find their music quite compelling. I recently downloaded their entire discography on Spotify after seeing their movie MADE on Netflix. Since then, I've been feeling sentimental every time I hear their songs. Well, I do get emotional pretty easily. But this one is a mix of nostalgia, regret, and longing.

I was in college when BIGBANG became massive. Together with Super Junior, 2ne1, Girls Generation and Wonder Girls, they ruled the MYX top lists, which I used to tune into back in the day. I remember walking from UP Tacloban to RTR Plaza with earphones on, playing their hits on my Nokia 5300. My earphones had wires and I'd insert it in my shirt. I used to like the long way home as it would mean more songs to listen to, longer alone time.

How time has gone. How a lot has changed.

The other day, I attended my best friend's husband's 40 days. He died after battling a terminal disease for more than a year. He was only 30. 

I cried when I learned about his passing. Not so much about his demise as somehow we've been preparing for it since we were told that he had only two months to live, but more on how he will never get to see his children grow into beautiful adults. More on how my best friend lost her greatest love at such a young age. More on how we never got the chance to know each other deeper. 

His death got me thinking about a lot of things. The friends I met and the ones I lost along the way. The memories I made and those I'd forgotten. The struggles I overcame and those I'm still facing. My days in the sun and even my own passing. Death really makes us take a hard look at the life we've been living, doesn't it? It anchors us and reminds us of what counts most.

Truth be told, it's not death that I fear — it's how. I used to dream about dying when I was younger quite a lot. I was a difficult child and it was my 42. But things changed when I started finding my purpose. To love and be loved. To give back. To be someone that is worth living for.  (If in case I'm nearing the end, however, I would very much like to die peacefully and be buried while Paglisan plays in the background. 😹)

But I know there is no use living in the past or we will never be able to move forward. Just like when driving a car, we should look at the past — the good and the bad — like how we glance at the rear-view mirror, short and swift. We should try to do our best to look ahead, enjoy the ride, and cherish every moment.

I still cannot process how everything went by so fast yet so slow. One day we were drinking beer and working hard to live a better life, the next day we lose everything that mattered. How do we even make sense of it? I can't help but long for the days when things were easy and within reach. I can't help but feel moved whenever I hear the music I used to play when everything was simple.

Death is inevitable. The past can never be changed. For those of us who have lost our dearest for eternity, we must learn to carry our burdens until it all becomes bearable, until we learn to live with the pain. But I do believe that there are reasons why we are here. So while we still can, let's make it our purpose to find our purpose. 

Life must go on. We must go on.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love / Loss

 And I am in love, and I am terrified. There goes Katharine, my cue that I should stop, I should calm myself. I had to change my mood before my sister notices.  Curtained Balcony of Cordoba by Paul J. Bucknall, 2011 I stopped but tears still rolled down my cheeks. I sat silently in the veranda, wrapped my cardigan tighter to keep myself warm. That was the second time that I sobbed because of him. I had to cut our conversation so he wouldn't notice. Indeed, he didn't. I shouldn't feel this way. I knew from the beginning that everything will change and it would be pretty tough especially for me. I don't think it was a hasty decision because I was aware of it. I wanted it. I consciously agreed to it. And here I am, repairing my heart that suffers disappointment almost every day.  What I fear most these days is not of losing him one day, though I am almost certain it would not happen. On the contrary, I am afraid that I may lose myself along the way.  For days I have bee...
Post a Comment
Continue

2020-Too

It is the year 2022. What was supposed to be a year-long state of national health emergency is now in its second year. The coronavirus cases have surged dramatically due to the new omicron variant. People are stocking up on paracetamol as they did with face masks and alcohol in 2020. It looks like the city is not that bothered by the increase in cases, though. This time, there are no lockdown impositions. People who turned out positive with the virus, are no longer brought to a facility. Establishments, however, are stricter against unvaccinated people, which has sparked debates both locally and nationally. I have nothing against people who refuse to get vaccinated. Although, I do believe that the government should focus on intense vaccination education campaigns if it wants to change people's minds. At home, we have our own tiny bit of emergency — Ambin caught a fever. Nothing serious, it might just be the weather. It is flu season, after all. It has been raining intermittently fo...
Post a Comment
Continue

Down in the Dumps

For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies.  I do not want to see and talk to people. Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not  everything because there are times tha...
Post a Comment
Continue