Beginning & End

Time is so damn slow, I'm just growing old, I live like I'm dead. A lyric in the song Sober goes. 

Sober was released sometime in 2015 by the Korean superstars BIGBANG. I was introduced to the KPOP group back in college by a good friend who is a huge fan. Though I hardly understand their language, I find their music quite compelling. I recently downloaded their entire discography on Spotify after seeing their movie MADE on Netflix. Since then, I've been feeling sentimental every time I hear their songs. Well, I do get emotional pretty easily. But this one is a mix of nostalgia, regret, and longing.

I was in college when BIGBANG became massive. Together with Super Junior, 2ne1, Girls Generation and Wonder Girls, they ruled the MYX top lists, which I used to tune into back in the day. I remember walking from UP Tacloban to RTR Plaza with earphones on, playing their hits on my Nokia 5300. My earphones had wires and I'd insert it in my shirt. I used to like the long way home as it would mean more songs to listen to, longer alone time.

How time has gone. How a lot has changed.

The other day, I attended my best friend's husband's 40 days. He died after battling a terminal disease for more than a year. He was only 30. 

I cried when I learned about his passing. Not so much about his demise as somehow we've been preparing for it since we were told that he had only two months to live, but more on how he will never get to see his children grow into beautiful adults. More on how my best friend lost her greatest love at such a young age. More on how we never got the chance to know each other deeper. 

His death got me thinking about a lot of things. The friends I met and the ones I lost along the way. The memories I made and those I'd forgotten. The struggles I overcame and those I'm still facing. My days in the sun and even my own passing. Death really makes us take a hard look at the life we've been living, doesn't it? It anchors us and reminds us of what counts most.

Truth be told, it's not death that I fear — it's how. I used to dream about dying when I was younger quite a lot. I was a difficult child and it was my 42. But things changed when I started finding my purpose. To love and be loved. To give back. To be someone that is worth living for.  (If in case I'm nearing the end, however, I would very much like to die peacefully and be buried while Paglisan plays in the background. 😹)

But I know there is no use living in the past or we will never be able to move forward. Just like when driving a car, we should look at the past — the good and the bad — like how we glance at the rear-view mirror, short and swift. We should try to do our best to look ahead, enjoy the ride, and cherish every moment.

I still cannot process how everything went by so fast yet so slow. One day we were drinking beer and working hard to live a better life, the next day we lose everything that mattered. How do we even make sense of it? I can't help but long for the days when things were easy and within reach. I can't help but feel moved whenever I hear the music I used to play when everything was simple.

Death is inevitable. The past can never be changed. For those of us who have lost our dearest for eternity, we must learn to carry our burdens until it all becomes bearable, until we learn to live with the pain. But I do believe that there are reasons why we are here. So while we still can, let's make it our purpose to find our purpose. 

Life must go on. We must go on.