Skip to main content

Love / Loss

 And I am in love, and I am terrified.

There goes Katharine, my cue that I should stop, I should calm myself. I had to change my mood before my sister notices. 

Curtained Balcony of Cordoba by Paul J. Bucknall, 2011

I stopped but tears still rolled down my cheeks.

I sat silently in the veranda, wrapped my cardigan tighter to keep myself warm. That was the second time that I sobbed because of him. I had to cut our conversation so he wouldn't notice. Indeed, he didn't.

I shouldn't feel this way. I knew from the beginning that everything will change and it would be pretty tough especially for me. I don't think it was a hasty decision because I was aware of it. I wanted it. I consciously agreed to it. And here I am, repairing my heart that suffers disappointment almost every day. 

What I fear most these days is not of losing him one day, though I am almost certain it would not happen. On the contrary, I am afraid that I may lose myself along the way. 

For days I have been in conflict with myself. I don't know why but I've been wanting to go back to the old me. When I was unattached, when I never had to care for someone so much. I can't remember anymore, it is as if I had forgotten how I was before. And it scares me.

I am so confused and I despise it that he had to ask why. He told me not think too much, and that I have exams. Well, thank God for an on/off switch!

Nobody said relationships are easy, yet how come everyone wants a piece of it?



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Down in the Dumps

For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies.  I do not want to see and talk to people. Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not  everything because there are times tha...
Post a Comment
Continue

So Long, Old Self

Nine years ago I deleted my 9-year-old Facebook account and I'm glad I did, at long last. This isn't the first time I deactivated my social media account. I did it last year when I reviewed for the Bar. I was offline for about 4 or 5 months, though I wasn't on a total hiatus as I was active on Messenger and I'd sometimes check the social networking site to get my mind off things. But then 5 minutes later I'd get so annoyed by everything I see on my news feed and shut off my account again. I have been thinking of creating a new account since then. Ever since we outgrew Farmville, Facebook has become so toxic for me that I started hating it. Well, most of it was because of my own doing. Firstly, I added friends that I barely know. I'm a snob and people know that. So in an attempt to become more friendly and approachable, or at least appear to be one, I continued on accepting requests from kids that I haven't even met for as long as we have dozens of mut...
Post a Comment
Continue

Of Seas and Slip Ups

I was scrolling through Tumblr when I stumbled upon a photo by Jeremy Bishop. I visited his website and have been clicking on each picture in his online portfolio for the past thirty minutes. This image he called Sea Waves made me pause for a moment. I remember it's been a while since I drove to the beach. And maybe it'll take some more time before I could smell the sea breeze again. Sea Waves by Jeremy Bishop I spent the whole day yesterday in court. I sat across the bench almost the entire time while I discreetly massaged my lower abdomen. I've been suffering from terrible menstrual cramps for three days. I wanted to go out and come back when it is already my schedule but I didn't want to disturb the court proceedings. So I just pursed my lips and prayed to God that I get through the day. When my cases were finally called, I stood up and declared, "ready to present my witness, your honor" or "ready for cross, your honor."  An old classmate from law...
Post a Comment
Continue