Skip to main content

Love / Loss

 And I am in love, and I am terrified.

There goes Katharine, my cue that I should stop, I should calm myself. I had to change my mood before my sister notices. 

Curtained Balcony of Cordoba by Paul J. Bucknall, 2011

I stopped but tears still rolled down my cheeks.

I sat silently in the veranda, wrapped my cardigan tighter to keep myself warm. That was the second time that I sobbed because of him. I had to cut our conversation so he wouldn't notice. Indeed, he didn't.

I shouldn't feel this way. I knew from the beginning that everything will change and it would be pretty tough especially for me. I don't think it was a hasty decision because I was aware of it. I wanted it. I consciously agreed to it. And here I am, repairing my heart that suffers disappointment almost every day. 

What I fear most these days is not of losing him one day, though I am almost certain it would not happen. On the contrary, I am afraid that I may lose myself along the way. 

For days I have been in conflict with myself. I don't know why but I've been wanting to go back to the old me. When I was unattached, when I never had to care for someone so much. I can't remember anymore, it is as if I had forgotten how I was before. And it scares me.

I am so confused and I despise it that he had to ask why. He told me not think too much, and that I have exams. Well, thank God for an on/off switch!

Nobody said relationships are easy, yet how come everyone wants a piece of it?



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Manifest to Achieve It

 A few days before 2021 ended, I got a present from an old friend. She sent me images via Messenger and right below it, she wrote that she was proud of me for I made it happen.  Apparently, it was photos of my entry from her old slam book which I signed back in 2003 when we were just high school freshmen. I clicked the photos and my initial response was, "gosh, what ugly handwriting!" 😅 I asked for clearer photos to see what she meant by her being "proud of me" and there is the greatest achievement part I wrote: if I will be a lawyer. It was already past 11 in the evening when I zoomed in on the photos and yet I felt so awake. Like my friend, I was amazed by the revelation because firstly, I cannot remember ever actively dreaming of becoming a lawyer, and secondly, OMG YES, I REALLY DID MAKE IT HAPPEN! "Manifesting" is one of the online crazes of this pandemic. To manifest is to make something obvious. When you are manifesting, you think aspirational thou...
Post a Comment
Continue

Of Seas and Slip Ups

I was scrolling through Tumblr when I stumbled upon a photo by Jeremy Bishop. I visited his website and have been clicking on each picture in his online portfolio for the past thirty minutes. This image he called Sea Waves made me pause for a moment. I remember it's been a while since I drove to the beach. And maybe it'll take some more time before I could smell the sea breeze again. Sea Waves by Jeremy Bishop I spent the whole day yesterday in court. I sat across the bench almost the entire time while I discreetly massaged my lower abdomen. I've been suffering from terrible menstrual cramps for three days. I wanted to go out and come back when it is already my schedule but I didn't want to disturb the court proceedings. So I just pursed my lips and prayed to God that I get through the day. When my cases were finally called, I stood up and declared, "ready to present my witness, your honor" or "ready for cross, your honor."  An old classmate from law...
Post a Comment
Continue

Down in the Dumps

For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies.  I do not want to see and talk to people. Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not  everything because there are times tha...
Post a Comment
Continue