Skip to main content

Love / Loss

 And I am in love, and I am terrified.

There goes Katharine, my cue that I should stop, I should calm myself. I had to change my mood before my sister notices. 

Curtained Balcony of Cordoba by Paul J. Bucknall, 2011

I stopped but tears still rolled down my cheeks.

I sat silently in the veranda, wrapped my cardigan tighter to keep myself warm. That was the second time that I sobbed because of him. I had to cut our conversation so he wouldn't notice. Indeed, he didn't.

I shouldn't feel this way. I knew from the beginning that everything will change and it would be pretty tough especially for me. I don't think it was a hasty decision because I was aware of it. I wanted it. I consciously agreed to it. And here I am, repairing my heart that suffers disappointment almost every day. 

What I fear most these days is not of losing him one day, though I am almost certain it would not happen. On the contrary, I am afraid that I may lose myself along the way. 

For days I have been in conflict with myself. I don't know why but I've been wanting to go back to the old me. When I was unattached, when I never had to care for someone so much. I can't remember anymore, it is as if I had forgotten how I was before. And it scares me.

I am so confused and I despise it that he had to ask why. He told me not think too much, and that I have exams. Well, thank God for an on/off switch!

Nobody said relationships are easy, yet how come everyone wants a piece of it?



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Home Alone

What can I tell you that doesn't sound like work? Because that's only been my life now.  Every day at 6 in the morning, I'd turn off my alarm, get up, and cook rice. And then I'd go back to bed and text my boyfriend "kaberns/kabernd/kabrns", our morning greetings. I'd get up again at 6:30, make my bed, unplug the rice cooker, and ready my things for work. I'd shower and then prepare my self. If it isn't raining, I'd walk to the office. Calbayog City has temporarily suspended public transport again for two weeks. If it is raining, I'd text my neighbor who is also my coworker if I could hitch a ride. I hitched a ride this whole week because I realized I hate walking to my workplace in the morning, it's hot and I'm all sweaty when I reach the office. Start pa lang ng araw pero lantang gulay na ako LOL. In a more normal circumstance, I'd take a tricycle to work. When the day ends, if it's raining, I'd again hitch a ride. But...
Post a Comment
Continue

21

I had chicken pox on my birthday. Yes, on my birthday, and just before my midterm exams. I should have known. January 30th. I fell asleep in the afternoon which was unusual since I have been experiencing trouble sleeping for days now. When I awoke, I rushed to school only to find that our classes were canceled. I came home feeling tired and cold.  January 31st. My birthday. I woke up with a heavy head and chills. Then, when I scratched my rib, some fluid came out. I instantly knew something was wrong. I called my sister about my symptoms and she confirmed it. Chicken pox. On my birthday. Just before midterms. Of course, I went frantic. And of course, I kept on asking why this has to happen. Why now? Why this? Why me? Yes, I may have been a tad bit overdramatic. But it's just natural to question things when misfortunes after misfortunes come your way, diba? I was so stressed about it that I told my mom that if I don't make it this semester, I am going to quit law school. Just wh...
Post a Comment
Continue

Pamamanhikan

A few weeks ago, I applied for leave so I could go home. Ambin's home isolation period was also about to end so it was perfect. We talked over the phone about what we'd do when we see each other. I said I have to go to Borongan City for my dental checkup. I was gonna be home for only a few days so I wanted to make the most out of it. We agreed to go together as he's been dying to eat lechon at Cebu's Best Boneless Lechon. It's also been years since he visited the city. I also asked him if we could drive to the beach. I miss the sea!  We were making fun of ourselves when we got to the topic of us moving in together. We talked about buying furniture for our apartment which will be our home for our first years together. He wants to buy a TV, I want a sofa. I told him he should be in charge of the kitchen since he's a better cook, he said we'll just order take-out. Just another exchange of humorous banters that would sometimes get personal. Haha. Next thing we k...
Post a Comment
Continue