Skip to main content

Love / Loss

 And I am in love, and I am terrified.

There goes Katharine, my cue that I should stop, I should calm myself. I had to change my mood before my sister notices. 

Curtained Balcony of Cordoba by Paul J. Bucknall, 2011

I stopped but tears still rolled down my cheeks.

I sat silently in the veranda, wrapped my cardigan tighter to keep myself warm. That was the second time that I sobbed because of him. I had to cut our conversation so he wouldn't notice. Indeed, he didn't.

I shouldn't feel this way. I knew from the beginning that everything will change and it would be pretty tough especially for me. I don't think it was a hasty decision because I was aware of it. I wanted it. I consciously agreed to it. And here I am, repairing my heart that suffers disappointment almost every day. 

What I fear most these days is not of losing him one day, though I am almost certain it would not happen. On the contrary, I am afraid that I may lose myself along the way. 

For days I have been in conflict with myself. I don't know why but I've been wanting to go back to the old me. When I was unattached, when I never had to care for someone so much. I can't remember anymore, it is as if I had forgotten how I was before. And it scares me.

I am so confused and I despise it that he had to ask why. He told me not think too much, and that I have exams. Well, thank God for an on/off switch!

Nobody said relationships are easy, yet how come everyone wants a piece of it?



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How You See Me

Self-blame by Anastasiia Grygorieva, 2016 Like a stone On a hill That is how you see me. Like a bug On a plant That is how you see me. Like an anchor On the shore That is how you see me. Like a needle That pricks your finger That is how you see me. Is that how I see? PK.K.M.
Post a Comment
Continue

Days with Marvin, Thus Far

Marvin and I celebrated our 5th anniversary as a couple by not talking to each other. Well, I, ignoring him. He got me incensed six days earlier for dropping me when I wanted to talk to him. I got hurt so bad I went MIA and never bothered to check up on him for almost a week. That's how it has been with Marvin. At least for the past couple of days. There are some days that we are infinite, we are happy. And some days that I just want to jump off a cliff and forget ever meeting him. Of course, I am exaggerating but I think you get how I feel. I try to blame it on distance and time zones. By it, I mean our petty fights. He works abroad while I review for my exams here in the Philippines. When he gets off his job, I am already asleep. When I wake up in the morning, I'll have to wait for five hours or so before I receive morning greetings from him. The next message that I will get will be another five hours later when he takes his lunch and the last would be when he gets home. Some...
Post a Comment
Continue

There Will Be Days

Dandelion by Kamsar Ohanyan, 2021 There will be days when you wake up to a cuddle There will be days when mornings are a struggle There will be days when dancing feels good There will be days when music just can't give the right mood  There will be days when the food on the plate is wiped clean There will be days when a grain's left untouched or so it seems  There will be days when laughter echoes everywhere There will be days when not even a cricket's sound you can hear   There will be days when a short walk is enough to keep it at bay There will be days when you kneel and plead to make it go away There are days when the faintest of sunshine hurts your eyes And there are days when raindrops sound like solemn lullabies. PK.K.M.
Post a Comment
Continue