Love / Loss

 And I am in love, and I am terrified.

There goes Katharine, my cue that I should stop, I should calm myself. I had to change my mood before my sister notices. 

Curtained Balcony of Cordoba by Paul J. Bucknall, 2011

I stopped but tears still rolled down my cheeks.

I sat silently in the veranda, wrapped my cardigan tighter to keep myself warm. That was the second time that I sobbed because of him. I had to cut our conversation so he wouldn't notice. Indeed, he didn't.

I shouldn't feel this way. I knew from the beginning that everything will change and it would be pretty tough especially for me. I don't think it was a hasty decision because I was aware of it. I wanted it. I consciously agreed to it. And here I am, repairing my heart that suffers disappointment almost every day. 

What I fear most these days is not of losing him one day, though I am almost certain it would not happen. On the contrary, I am afraid that I may lose myself along the way. 

For days I have been in conflict with myself. I don't know why but I've been wanting to go back to the old me. When I was unattached, when I never had to care for someone so much. I can't remember anymore, it is as if I had forgotten how I was before. And it scares me.

I am so confused and I despise it that he had to ask why. He told me not think too much, and that I have exams. Well, thank God for an on/off switch!

Nobody said relationships are easy, yet how come everyone wants a piece of it?