Skip to main content

Down in the Dumps

For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies. 

I do not want to see and talk to people.

Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not everything because there are times that he pisses me off so sometimes I'd just keep my issues to myself. 

So last night, I finally got to talk to him. Out of nowhere, I just started asking him if he still wants to be in this relationship. Syempre, he got mad and asked with obvious disdain in his voice might I add, why I even thought of it. I had my next question ready but since he flared up the first time, I just kept my mouth shut. I was not gonna ask him if he was still happy for I am 100% sure he'd totally blow up. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. 

The call didn't last long. I was suffering from a major headache due to colds when I started sobbing. I cry fairly easily, even in the most trivial of things. But last night, my voice actually cracked and my tears burst like waterfalls in spring. 

I am a terrible mess.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Manifest to Achieve It

 A few days before 2021 ended, I got a present from an old friend. She sent me images via Messenger and right below it, she wrote that she was proud of me for I made it happen.  Apparently, it was photos of my entry from her old slam book which I signed back in 2003 when we were just high school freshmen. I clicked the photos and my initial response was, "gosh, what ugly handwriting!" 😅 I asked for clearer photos to see what she meant by her being "proud of me" and there is the greatest achievement part I wrote: if I will be a lawyer. It was already past 11 in the evening when I zoomed in on the photos and yet I felt so awake. Like my friend, I was amazed by the revelation because firstly, I cannot remember ever actively dreaming of becoming a lawyer, and secondly, OMG YES, I REALLY DID MAKE IT HAPPEN! "Manifesting" is one of the online crazes of this pandemic. To manifest is to make something obvious. When you are manifesting, you think aspirational thou...
Post a Comment
Continue

How You See Me

Self-blame by Anastasiia Grygorieva, 2016 Like a stone On a hill That is how you see me. Like a bug On a plant That is how you see me. Like an anchor On the shore That is how you see me. Like a needle That pricks your finger That is how you see me. Is that how I see? PK.K.M.
Post a Comment
Continue

Days with Marvin, Thus Far

Marvin and I celebrated our 5th anniversary as a couple by not talking to each other. Well, I, ignoring him. He got me incensed six days earlier for dropping me when I wanted to talk to him. I got hurt so bad I went MIA and never bothered to check up on him for almost a week. That's how it has been with Marvin. At least for the past couple of days. There are some days that we are infinite, we are happy. And some days that I just want to jump off a cliff and forget ever meeting him. Of course, I am exaggerating but I think you get how I feel. I try to blame it on distance and time zones. By it, I mean our petty fights. He works abroad while I review for my exams here in the Philippines. When he gets off his job, I am already asleep. When I wake up in the morning, I'll have to wait for five hours or so before I receive morning greetings from him. The next message that I will get will be another five hours later when he takes his lunch and the last would be when he gets home. Some...
Post a Comment
Continue