Skip to main content

Down in the Dumps

For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies. 

I do not want to see and talk to people.

Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not everything because there are times that he pisses me off so sometimes I'd just keep my issues to myself. 

So last night, I finally got to talk to him. Out of nowhere, I just started asking him if he still wants to be in this relationship. Syempre, he got mad and asked with obvious disdain in his voice might I add, why I even thought of it. I had my next question ready but since he flared up the first time, I just kept my mouth shut. I was not gonna ask him if he was still happy for I am 100% sure he'd totally blow up. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. 

The call didn't last long. I was suffering from a major headache due to colds when I started sobbing. I cry fairly easily, even in the most trivial of things. But last night, my voice actually cracked and my tears burst like waterfalls in spring. 

I am a terrible mess.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Manifest to Achieve It

 A few days before 2021 ended, I got a present from an old friend. She sent me images via Messenger and right below it, she wrote that she was proud of me for I made it happen.  Apparently, it was photos of my entry from her old slam book which I signed back in 2003 when we were just high school freshmen. I clicked the photos and my initial response was, "gosh, what ugly handwriting!" 😅 I asked for clearer photos to see what she meant by her being "proud of me" and there is the greatest achievement part I wrote: if I will be a lawyer. It was already past 11 in the evening when I zoomed in on the photos and yet I felt so awake. Like my friend, I was amazed by the revelation because firstly, I cannot remember ever actively dreaming of becoming a lawyer, and secondly, OMG YES, I REALLY DID MAKE IT HAPPEN! "Manifesting" is one of the online crazes of this pandemic. To manifest is to make something obvious. When you are manifesting, you think aspirational thou...
Post a Comment
Continue

Only The Young

Today, Facebook reminded me of a post I shared on this day two years ago. It was a photo of my 5-year-old self leading the pledge of loyalty back in grail school. In the caption of the said post, I wrote the lyrics of one of my favorite Taylor Swift tracks. It was my response to the malicious statements hurled against me by no less than our local chief executive earlier that morning via our community radio. How did I become so special? Days before that, I learned that the national government downloaded millions of funds to our local government through the Bayanihan One Act. To prevent the loss of lives and disruption of the economy due to the spread of the coronavirus, the government made sure that LGUs had enough funds to create measures or programs that would address the crisis efficiently. I'm sure it is still fresh in everyone's memory how things were during the first few weeks after the President declared a state of public health emergency throughout the entire country.  A...
Post a Comment
Continue

Beginning & End

Time is so damn slow, I'm just growing old, I live like I'm dead. A lyric in the song Sober goes.  Sober was released sometime in 2015 by the Korean superstars BIGBANG. I was introduced to the KPOP group back in college by a good friend who is a huge fan. Though I hardly understand their language, I find their music quite compelling. I recently downloaded their entire discography on Spotify after seeing their movie MADE on Netflix. Since then, I've been feeling sentimental every time I hear their songs. Well, I do get emotional pretty easily. But this one is a mix of nostalgia, regret, and longing. I was in college when BIGBANG became massive. Together with Super Junior, 2ne1, Girls Generation and Wonder Girls, they ruled the MYX top lists, which I used to tune into back in the day. I remember walking from UP Tacloban to RTR Plaza with earphones on, playing their hits on my Nokia 5300. My earphones had wires and I'd insert it in my shirt. I used to like the long way hom...
Post a Comment
Continue