Skip to main content

Down in the Dumps

For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies. 

I do not want to see and talk to people.

Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not everything because there are times that he pisses me off so sometimes I'd just keep my issues to myself. 

So last night, I finally got to talk to him. Out of nowhere, I just started asking him if he still wants to be in this relationship. Syempre, he got mad and asked with obvious disdain in his voice might I add, why I even thought of it. I had my next question ready but since he flared up the first time, I just kept my mouth shut. I was not gonna ask him if he was still happy for I am 100% sure he'd totally blow up. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. 

The call didn't last long. I was suffering from a major headache due to colds when I started sobbing. I cry fairly easily, even in the most trivial of things. But last night, my voice actually cracked and my tears burst like waterfalls in spring. 

I am a terrible mess.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Life So Far

In two days the results of the 2017 Bar Examinations will be released. On May 3rd, it will be a year since ours were posted. A year since my life made a huge turn.  I've been trying to write about the whole Bar experience but I still can't organize my thoughts. Too many memories come and go, and sometimes, I am left with nothing. At all. Though I did write drafts of other stories that I'd like to keep here. A birthday post. A latest project post. A post about the danger of not giving a f uc k. But I've deleted all of them, just now. I don't know 😕 Have you ever had that? That moment when you are dying to tell someone about these amazing things happening in your life but for some reason you just can't?  So I'll just sum it up: life has been good, so far.

Of Seas and Slip Ups

I was scrolling through Tumblr when I stumbled upon a photo by Jeremy Bishop. I visited his website and have been clicking on each picture in his online portfolio for the past thirty minutes. This image he called Sea Waves made me pause for a moment. I remember it's been a while since I drove to the beach. And maybe it'll take some more time before I could smell the sea breeze again. Sea Waves by Jeremy Bishop I spent the whole day yesterday in court. I sat across the bench almost the entire time while I discreetly massaged my lower abdomen. I've been suffering from terrible menstrual cramps for three days. I wanted to go out and come back when it is already my schedule but I didn't want to disturb the court proceedings. So I just pursed my lips and prayed to God that I get through the day. When my cases were finally called, I stood up and declared, "ready to present my witness, your honor" or "ready for cross, your honor."  An old classmate from law...

The One Where We Finally Said "I Do"

Today marks the seventh day since Ambin and I got hitched, aka our first "weeksary".  Rings by  Little White Pouch The hubs got up early this morning to prepare our breakfast. I spent a few minutes more in bed as I was still sleepy. We talked until midnight last night about how—seven days in—we still find it incredible that we are now husband and wife! We've been laughing at the thought that it's like we're just playing house. Ambin says that until I called his mother "Nanay", he wouldn't have realized that yes, we are indeed married already. Haha. Nothing much has changed except that now, we are inseparable—we cook together, eat together, watch Netflix together, and just the other day, did Zumba together. There's been a lot of playful roasting from both sides, too. This is probably the longest we've been together physically and so far, wala pa namang napipikon. Haha. It's a good kind of strange to be in this new chapter of our lives. Des...