Skip to main content

Down in the Dumps

For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies. 

I do not want to see and talk to people.

Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not everything because there are times that he pisses me off so sometimes I'd just keep my issues to myself. 

So last night, I finally got to talk to him. Out of nowhere, I just started asking him if he still wants to be in this relationship. Syempre, he got mad and asked with obvious disdain in his voice might I add, why I even thought of it. I had my next question ready but since he flared up the first time, I just kept my mouth shut. I was not gonna ask him if he was still happy for I am 100% sure he'd totally blow up. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. 

The call didn't last long. I was suffering from a major headache due to colds when I started sobbing. I cry fairly easily, even in the most trivial of things. But last night, my voice actually cracked and my tears burst like waterfalls in spring. 

I am a terrible mess.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

In Sickness and In Health: Our COVID-19 Story

Congrats, you're positive," said the woman on the other line. It was past 10 in the evening of June 19th when we were informed of the dreaded news. We had been anxious the entire day waiting for the results of our swab test. Although we'd been exhibiting all the common symptoms, we were still hoping it was nothing serious. But just as we were about to fall into a deep slumber, my phone rang and we were wide awake again. We got infected with the coronavirus. I started feeling sick five days prior. I was at the office when my body began feeling weak. My head was spinning and my vision, blurry. I could not finish my lunch. I wanted to go home early but I was afraid I might not make it safe. I tried keeping to myself for some time, waiting impatiently for the day to end. At about 4 in the afternoon, though, I was almost certain that I was having a fever. So I went out of our office and asked the security guard if he still had the thermometer gun with him. He pointed the gadget...
Post a Comment
Continue

Beginning & End

Time is so damn slow, I'm just growing old, I live like I'm dead. A lyric in the song Sober goes.  Sober was released sometime in 2015 by the Korean superstars BIGBANG. I was introduced to the KPOP group back in college by a good friend who is a huge fan. Though I hardly understand their language, I find their music quite compelling. I recently downloaded their entire discography on Spotify after seeing their movie MADE on Netflix. Since then, I've been feeling sentimental every time I hear their songs. Well, I do get emotional pretty easily. But this one is a mix of nostalgia, regret, and longing. I was in college when BIGBANG became massive. Together with Super Junior, 2ne1, Girls Generation and Wonder Girls, they ruled the MYX top lists, which I used to tune into back in the day. I remember walking from UP Tacloban to RTR Plaza with earphones on, playing their hits on my Nokia 5300. My earphones had wires and I'd insert it in my shirt. I used to like the long way hom...
Post a Comment
Continue

There Will Be Days

Dandelion by Kamsar Ohanyan, 2021 There will be days when you wake up to a cuddle There will be days when mornings are a struggle There will be days when dancing feels good There will be days when music just can't give the right mood  There will be days when the food on the plate is wiped clean There will be days when a grain's left untouched or so it seems  There will be days when laughter echoes everywhere There will be days when not even a cricket's sound you can hear   There will be days when a short walk is enough to keep it at bay There will be days when you kneel and plead to make it go away There are days when the faintest of sunshine hurts your eyes And there are days when raindrops sound like solemn lullabies. PK.K.M.
Post a Comment
Continue