For weeks I have been staring into space, unaware of what I have been feeling. It seems like an endless cycle — one day I would feel empty, extremely lonely, and inadequate, then on the next, I'd be quite okay. I would then try to keep myself busy and focus on my study. But five minutes into my reading, I would grab my phone, play Village City and forget the world. At least for a minute or so. I would decide to go out to relax, but just when I had already put on my lipstick, I would sit on my bed and then change back to my jammies.
I do not want to see and talk to people.
Last night, I stayed up late to talk to my boyfriend, Marvin, who has become my pseudo-therapist for the last five years. He is in Riyadh, KSA so I have to wait until about 12 midnight (PH time) to call him as it is around that time that he gets off work. All my hopes, fears, disappointments, frustrations, joys — all that I think and feel — I tell him. Well, maybe not everything because there are times that he pisses me off so sometimes I'd just keep my issues to myself.
So last night, I finally got to talk to him. Out of nowhere, I just started asking him if he still wants to be in this relationship. Syempre, he got mad and asked with obvious disdain in his voice might I add, why I even thought of it. I had my next question ready but since he flared up the first time, I just kept my mouth shut. I was not gonna ask him if he was still happy for I am 100% sure he'd totally blow up.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
The call didn't last long. I was suffering from a major headache due to colds when I started sobbing. I cry fairly easily, even in the most trivial of things. But last night, my voice actually cracked and my tears burst like waterfalls in spring.
I am a terrible mess.
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