Clues & Choices

I have been listening to Taylor Swift's new album, Folklore, this past month. I think my neighbors are already suspicious of me as I've been playing it almost every day since its release. My favorite tracks are Exile, Mirrorball, Epiphany, and Invisible String. The last one, I heard, is about her and her boyfriend of four years, Joe Alwyn. In the song, she mentions about where they were when they were younger, what happened during one of their dates, how he accepted all of her, and how cool that there was this invisible string that tied him to her. It's a really romantic song! I can imagine how happy and in love my girl Taytay is! 

A lyric in Invisible String goes: Were there clues I didn't see? Apparently, she is in disbelief that the universe conspired to make them happen. Is it possible, though, that such a force exists? That something, say divine intervention/fate/destiny, leaves clues or signs to guide us to where we are supposed to be?

Ages ago, around seventeen years I think, a name stood out to me during an awarding ceremony. He was a 'newcomer' in the honor roll so he got me curious. I found out soon that he was my classmate's younger brother. Later, I learned that one (or two) of my friends had a crush on him. I don't remember a lot from almost two decades ago, but I do remember following him home, together with my best friends. He was lanky and aloof. He walked fast and never bothered to look around. He just walked straight, clueless that crazy girls were onto him. When we got to their house, we sat under a papaya tree and asked his mother if our classmate was already home. It was obviously just an excuse to hang out, we knew that the latter was somewhere but there. We stayed for a while yet this boy never showed his face. I can't recall if anyone got disappointed but we did forget about him eventually.

Two years later, juniors and seniors were gathered in the school quadrangle for our prom rehearsal. He was already a third-year student then while I was graduating. Our prom was unlike the ones you see in the movies. There was a ceremony, a cotilion, and our teacher chose who our partners will be. (He knew who was courting who, who was in a relationship or a hot item, so it was kind of fun!) At that time, all officers were lined separately from the rest of the group. I was our batch secretary. In the previous year, I was paired with my cousin who was a fellow officer. However, that year, there were no male officers in both batches so our teacher had to pick our partners randomly. When my name was called, this boy's name came up. I remember being surprised because while I was single, I had quite a few suitors from their year level and he wasn't one of them. We were not a thing; we were not on each other's radar. Still, we both walked onto the stage and pretended to exchange gifts. After meeting on stage we were supposed to walk arm in arm in the middle of the quadrangle, but he was such a snob I was (brisk) walking behind him. I had to ask him to walk slower because I couldn't keep up. He just answered, "then walk faster." 💁🏻‍♂️

When the prom night came, I barely thought of him. It was probably around the recessional part when I requested him to get my purse for me because it seemed like it was going to rain. I was in heels so I was not going to dare run across the quadrangle. But he ignored me and told me to get it myself. Ugh, he was such a prick! He's nowhere near his brother, I said to myself. Later that night, my best friend pushed me to dance with his friend so she could dance with him. Yes, like a chaperoned dance. When the song ended, we went back to our seats and never saw each other again. We did not have a photo together but I did take one of him, for my friend.

Days passed and all the kilig stories from the prom fizzled out. One lunch period I went to his classroom to pick up my sister who was also his classmate. Suddenly, their friends started teasing us. I was a bit startled because he never made a move on me. So I just smiled and left. It was the last time that I saw him before going off to college.

In my sophomore year in uni, an unknown number sent me a message. At that time, I was already done with text mates. I no longer liked exchanging messages with people I didn't know; they were a waste of time. But this one was different. He had my attention. He may have given his name, I can't recall, I probably didn't believe him anyway. It was common to give false names. I also did not mind because he was fun to talk to. We had actual conversations – an absolute breath of fresh air from the usual small talks I had with randos. Somehow I found it liberating talking about my worries with him because there was no judgement. And if there was, it didn't hurt because he was a stranger; his opinion didn't matter. 

We kept texting for a few months and I still did not make any effort in finding out who he really was. It was amusing so why ruin it? Then he dropped the bomb and I panicked! He expressed how amazed he was that I like the anime One Piece and that I go to (arguably) the most prestigious school in the Region. He knew me and on a pretty personal level! I felt betrayed because I had no idea who he was. Until that moment, I thought we were strangers to each other. After that, I began asking my friends if they know him. We all zeroed in on my prom partner but were in denial. We could not believe it was him. He seemed like a loner and never showed any interest in me! There was no way he'd find the courage to get to know me. And yet, he did – amazingly in fact.

I let the treachery pass and continued talking to him. Like he said, he would have told everything about him if I'd just asked. I guess this is the part where I admit that I was already drawn to him. Haha. I also think that deep in my heart I was relieved that he wasn't a total stranger; that I know of him and his family. After some time, I agreed to meet him. He asked me if I could help him with his speech class. We met at an internet café and went to a quaint dessert place after. I can't remember what we talked about though I think we were friendly. We met again at school to watch an event and I introduced him to my friends. He then walked me to get a ride home and that was when my brother and his then-girlfriend (now wife) saw us. I was still keeping him a secret so it was quite awkward. Then he came to visit me in our apartment. I made it clear to him that if he was going to court me he should do it the proper way — and for me, that was meeting my family at home. He visited a couple more times. However, I was so occupied with a lot of other things I didn't know what to do about us. It turned out that I was not ready to enter into a relationship so I dumped him. We lost contact for a while, and then he found me again. And we texted again and then I ghosted him again. Your girl could not make up her mind! So in the end, we went our separate ways and after graduation, I left for Cebu.

In 2010, he started texting me again. Sadly, your girl was still as confused and scared af. "He seemed like a nice guy so why not give him a chance?" "You are already busy as it is, why add another distraction?" It was a neverending battle in my head so I stopped texting him altogether. Then I realized I had no one to talk to. Haha. I mean, I had friends. It was just that there were stories that I could only share with him. But he got fed up! He wasn't texting me anymore. And I wasn't going to text or call him first, duh?  I may have prayed at Sto. Rosario Church to ask God if he was the one for me — even made up signs like he must have clean toenails, must wear a belt, and carry a handkerchief in his pocket. We did not spend enough time together for me to notice these on him. I know these are a bit weird so let me explain. Haha. I thought that if a guy takes the time to clean his toenails then he probably observes proper hygiene. If he carries a handkerchief then he probably makes an effort to look presentable. And as for wearing a belt, I just hated seeing guys with their waist bands on their butt. I mean, pull your pants up, no one wants to see your boxers! Little things yet big deal for me.

Weeks went by and I still had not heard from him. I told a friend that if he's still not going to text me on this particular date, I am going to forget him. It simply meant that we weren't meant to be, I added. And then a week before my self-imposed deadline my phone beeped and there he was! I ran to my friend's room at St. Rita Dormitory and screamed! 😂

We became a couple a year later. It was crazy! When I went home for the semestral break, he waited for me at the bus stop near Coca Cola in Tacloban City. It was early in the morning but he had already taken a bath. When he saw me, he immediately rushed to meet me and took my bag. We sat side by side and did not say a word. We have not been in a romantic relationship before so the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing was rather bizarre to both of us. We avoided each other's eyes for a while. It was our first meeting since we became official. I hadn't washed my face after a long night of travel although he didn't seem to mind. I touched his hand and then he clasped mine with both his hands. I may have said something like, "so we're a couple" because we both let out a laugh. A few minutes later, I told him that I had to get home for my brother might worry. He stood up and took my stuff. That's when I noticed that his trimmed toenails were exposed; he was wearing slippers. Then he took his handkerchief out from his back pocket and wiped the sweats off his forehead. Afterward, he put it back and fixed his belt.

Fast forward to 2020, we decided to end our long-distance relationship and finally settle down. He would come home, we would get married and start a new life together. However, it was not without any hindrances. He had to rebook his flight five times, I think. And when we thought that it was finally safe for him to travel, the Province of Samar imposed a moratorium against locally stranded individuals. He could not get a travel authority from the police. The process was so stressful, it was taking a toll on both of us. I could have easily taken all these things as signs that maybe we aren't meant to be together. Though I guess we're both just so stubborn that the heavens had no choice but to smile upon us. We can't fight fate but we sure can negotiate. Without so much thought, I told him to just book a new flight and get a travel authority for Tacloban. "What happens when I get to Tacloban?" he asked. "I don't know, let's just take the leap," I replied.

The boy's name is Marvin. Tomorrow, his 14-day mandatory quarantine will end. In two days, we will be celebrating our 9th anniversary. Can you believe it? It's just incredible how things fell into place! 😭

In retrospect, I do think that God (or any supreme being that you believe in) had a hand in all of this. He gave hints to guide us to our destination, puzzles so we can figure out our purpose, and will to pursue our hearts' deepest desires. Although, I suppose, in the end, it was still our choice to act on these gifts that brought us together and tied us to each other.

I have to say that ours isn't a perfect love story. We've cried just as much as we've laughed. Despite that, we know – I know, when our fingers interlock, that everything, the highs and lows, was worth it. We are worth it. It may have been tough yet it made us stronger. Hell was a journey, but it brought me heaven.

PS. 

If you are wondering if I asked Marvin what his problem was back in high school, yes I did! He told me that he was already bothered by me that's why he kept on ignoring me. He could not stop thinking about me and he did not understand why. Girl! 💇 I don't know if he was making fun of me but that's what he said! Also, after we made our relationship known, we found out that it was his brother who suggested to our teacher to pick his younger brother as my partner. He reckoned that our annoying personalities were perfect for each other. I guess he's right.